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Post by Laura (Lori) on Apr 24, 2010 9:02:52 GMT -8
A friend sent this to me: With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, Good grief, look how smart I am!
Must be where 'Smart Ass' came from!-------------------------- ...after looking in the mirror myself, I believe I just might qualify as Magna Cum Laude - though I wouldn't mind 'dumbing down' a bit...
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Post by Laura (Lori) on May 25, 2010 8:59:47 GMT -8
Want a good laugh? This is absolutely hysterical!
Breakfast at Ginger's- golden retriever dog eats with hands
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Post by Laura (Lori) on Jul 10, 2010 15:59:26 GMT -8
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Post by mtnme on Jul 12, 2010 19:55:51 GMT -8
LOL on the cycle ad. Kinda reminds me of the local paint store that has a sign that says 'No paint will be mixed without a signed note from your wife expressly stating that she approves of the color" ...but now for some more fun... and oh how I SOOOOOO relate to this. 7 signs you're having a hot flash1. Your iced tea just started to boil 2. Your husband says you look 'steamed' 3. The lifeguard called you 'one hot mama' - but he meant it literally. 4. The dial on your AC reads "High as it goes, Lady" 5. Fire alarms go off whenever you enter a room. 6. Is that smell your eyebrows burning? 7. You're considering taking up permanent residence in your freezer. (now if you'll excuse me, I have to go wring out the soaking wet hair on my scalp...)
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Post by Laura (Lori) on Aug 1, 2010 22:30:50 GMT -8
Some 'Senior' humor for y'all - I've never heard of Jeanne Robertson, but she's a former Miss North Carolina (1963), still beautiful, and absolutely hilarious! (Clean humor) When she mentions Left Brain, you'll 'get' who she's talking about...
Don't Bungee Jump Naked
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2010 20:33:34 GMT -8
She's a hoot!
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Post by mtnme on Aug 16, 2010 20:15:15 GMT -8
Forwarded to me by a fellow Italian...FRIENDS: Never ask for food. ITALIAN FRIENDS: Always bring the food... (oh, how sooooo true this is...) FRIENDS: Will say 'hello'. ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss. FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs. ITALIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry. ITALIAN FRIENDS: Cry with you. FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave. ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together. (...this is also true, except that they also stay and help with the dishes...) FRIENDS: Know a few things about you. ITALIAN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you. FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing. ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will leave the crowd behind to be with you. FRIENDS: Will knock on your door. ITALIAN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I'm home!' FRIENDS: Will visit you in jail ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will spend the night in jail with you. FRIENDS: Will visit you in the hospital when you're sick ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will cut your grass and clean your house then come spend the night with you in the hospital. FRIENDS: Have you on speed dial ITALIAN FRIENDS: Have your number memorized FRIENDS: Are for a while. ITALIAN FRIENDS: Are for life. FRIENDS: Might ignore this. ITALIAN FRIENDS will forward this to their ITALIAN friends and those who wish they were ITALIAN...
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Post by mtnme on Sept 1, 2010 8:33:56 GMT -8
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Post by Laura (Lori) on Oct 8, 2010 19:30:29 GMT -8
My husband forwarded this to me, and I thought it'd give y'all a laugh...
My Trip To Walmart
Yesterday I was at my local Walmart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Molson, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again... I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Walmart won't let me shop there anymore..
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
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Post by mtnme on Oct 21, 2010 22:19:54 GMT -8
SPAGHETTI
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the Child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
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Post by Laura (Lori) on Feb 16, 2011 9:35:28 GMT -8
From I-35 in San Antonio a couple weeks ago (when Texas was in the deep freeze) - thanks, Gasp for the find!
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Post by mtnme on Mar 7, 2011 1:24:06 GMT -8
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Post by mtnme on Nov 6, 2012 22:59:41 GMT -8
As some are no doubt to be disappointed by tonight's Presidential Election while others are jubilant, a little levity is probably in order. I will point out that this song was popular around the time I was in high school/college. Proving yet again, that all these decades later, when it comes to politics and issues in this country, some things never change... Loggins and Messina - It's Alright Politician's reasoning is downright confusing, and now they're rationing gas, by the time they get through taxing all of your money, You can't by hay for your a$$ But I guess it's Alright Just hop on your donkey and hope the cost of saddles don't rise And I guess it's Alright We'll end the pollution Now find us a solution for flies. The Arabs sell us our petroleum jelly A little dab at a time. If your doctor diagnosis prostate inspection You'd better grab your behind But I guess it's Alright There's always Mazola So keep yourself a bottle at home And I guess it's Alright 'cause Washington's thinking Power to the Porcelain Throne TV commercials, are just so d@mn insulting with all their doctor's reports Well, if you wanna see how well the product is working Check out the stains on your shorts But I guess it's Alright There's laundry detergents And fifty different whiteners and bleach And I guess it's Alright The product won't hurt you, if it doesn't burn the fuzz off your peach Old grand dad's grateful for his social security you won't be seeing him beg The only trouble is, his diet of dog food has got him lifting his leg. But I guess it's Alright, He'll end constipation and keep himself from going in debt. And I guess it's Alright with the prices of doctors, he can take his aches and pains to the vet. And I guess it's Alright, it's Alright, it's Alright...
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Post by mtnme on Jul 21, 2013 21:57:23 GMT -8
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Post by Laura (Lori) on Jul 21, 2013 23:55:36 GMT -8
Bwahaha - 'Bird got rhythm!!!
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