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Post by Laura (Lori) on Jun 4, 2009 18:00:47 GMT -8
I can't respond to any emails today... Something has crashed on my computer And the mouse is missing . . .
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2009 20:31:30 GMT -8
LMAO Lori. I guess I should keep a closer eye on my kitten!
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Post by Laura (Lori) on Jul 30, 2009 8:13:57 GMT -8
A (guy) friend sent me this yesterday - too funny!
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command
C:// I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME
and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.wav files.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.
Good Luck, Joyce at Tech Support
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Post by mtnme on Aug 18, 2009 16:43:31 GMT -8
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Post by Laura (Lori) on Jan 13, 2010 22:35:18 GMT -8
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated ...
'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon..'
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part ):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
I love the next one!
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off
PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!
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Post by mtnme on Jan 14, 2010 11:45:25 GMT -8
LOL!!!!! This is OH SO TRUE!!!(I love the expansion of the original joke to add more OH SO TRUE statements) I will add my own: 11. After you get those 'The car has performed an illegal action' warning lights, the illegal action will be described in a cryptic, bizarre language known only to a handful of underground, esoteric car geeks (similar to trekkies). 12. The Appearance of the illegal action message will mean you can turn the car on, but you can't do anything with it. (ya know, like drive it...) 13. The meaning of the error code displayed in the cryptic, bizarre language WILL NOT be divulged to the likes of YOU! Nor will your particular error code be displayed ANYWHERE in the manual or found in the online help pages. It's a secret. 14. You will have to pay underground, esoteric car geeks (similar to trekkies) an absolute BOATLOAD of money to dive deep into the unintelligable bowels of your car to decifer and fix said error messages, allowing you to actually DRIVE the car, as opposed to just turning it on. (without which it will render your car as very little more than very expensive - but tacky - Redneck Lawn Art) 15 ...at which point, you will be forced to go out and buy an entirely brand new car, because it is cheaper than paying the underground, esoteric car geeks to fix it. .....which is why I was in the Dealer's recently, visibly salivating over a ....Mac....or was it a Suzuki Grand Vitara?... Go Apple!
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Post by mtnme on Jan 16, 2010 19:55:37 GMT -8
...and continueing on with this train of thought... Printers to go with those computers have a lot of issues too. Usually, they require an expensive black ink cartridge along with a very expensive color ink cartridge that lasts about as long as it takes to go through a roll of toilet paper (a cheap one-and you're a woman...while 'aunt flo' is visiting). But I have to say, HP has taken this travesty to new heights of absolute piracy. My HP Photosmart printer requires no less than 6 - COUNT 'EM - 6 ink cartridges to function. A seriously beaucoup dinero black cartridge, and a plethera of 5 other expensive ink cartridge colors- yellow, magenta, cyan, pink and powder blue, each one at $12 a pop. Any one of these cartridges running dry causes the whole enchilada to refuse to function. So if you follow the above logic on the car scenario, that's like having a car with 6 different gas tanks, requiring 6 different types of gas pumped into it before the car will operate. ...and at 12 smackaroos for each teaspoon of ink, $3.30 for a gallon of gas seems like an absolute BARGAIN in comparison. Let me do the math for you on this one. That is $72 for 1/8 Cup of ink! Forget boycotting gas stations, Exon Mobile, etc etc. I think we should be picketing outside of HP, Epson, Kodak, Sharp, Panasonic et al and writing our congressmen for printer ink reform NOW. ...can you tell I just had to choke up for ink for my printer today?
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Post by Laura (Lori) on Jan 16, 2010 23:21:31 GMT -8
I feel your pain... I seem to remember that several years ago there was a class-action lawsuit against HP (I 'think' it was HP), 'cause somebody was able to make a case that their printers shut down and insisted on ink cartridge changes when there was still plenty of ink left in them.
My Canon loves to tell me "the following ink cartridge MAY have run out." (With enough exclamation points encased in yellow triangular caution signs to make me fear a nuclear meltdown).
MAY have run out? At the prices they charge, that printer's cyan lips had better be parched and shriveled, with no Chapstick in sight before it gives me a message of any kind - and it had better say "Okay, you cheap broad, no more penny-pinching - CHANGE ME or there's gonna be a Poltergeist event in your office."
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Post by mtnme on Jan 17, 2010 23:46:22 GMT -8
Sadly, I don't get deadly looking warning alerts, the printer just stops working. And THEN it tells me I need a new cartridge.
I was buying the package set for awhile, but I now have so many yellow, light blue and pink cartridges, I'm convinced the printer really doesn't use these colors except once in a blue moon.
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Post by Laura (Lori) on Jan 28, 2010 10:36:22 GMT -8
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
Hmmm, which one won? What gender IS 'computer'?
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Post by Laura (Lori) on Mar 13, 2010 13:04:34 GMT -8
A BB guest notified me that the links to the 'Shawn Johnson Flips Over Bobsled' and 'Apolo Ohno Skates Down Luge' videos (see Apolo's thread, page 6), weren't working - I was updating them, and stumbled across this... It's from Today Now! (a spoof of the local news), and is an interview with Shawn's 'parents'. I'm not sure whether to LMAO or say "wow, that's just messed up"! Gymnast Shawn Johnson Put to Sleep After Breaking LegIf you'd like to follow Today Now! on The Onion Network, they're apparently broadcasting every weekday from 7-9am EST... has anyone else ever heard of this??? www.theonion.com/content/video/the_onion_news_networks_morning
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Post by Laura (Lori) on Mar 16, 2010 8:01:50 GMT -8
A friend sent this to me this morning - and my husband can, on occasion, confirm its validity...
Thought for the day:
Women are Angels, And when someone breaks our wings, We simply continue to fly ... on a broomstick.
We are flexible like that. ;D
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Post by wildfire on Mar 23, 2010 22:52:16 GMT -8
I either need some serious sleep or I'm just bored but this was too funny not to post here...hope y'all likey... This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. LOL! -------------------- Dear Diary, For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 22 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress: MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too. THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank. FRIDAY: I hate that biyotch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would smack her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the friggin' barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (biytoch), will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2010 7:56:30 GMT -8
HYSTERICAL!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2010 9:22:39 GMT -8
What's not to LOVE about Andy Rooney?
As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest.. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, ‘Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’ Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
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